Midge’s Mumblings on Awakened Hearts
I am a very open person. If you ask me a personal question I almost always will answer you. I’ll tell people things that most people would keep private; drives my wife crazy. I wear my heart on my sleeve and people feel as if they know me very well. I would agree that most people do know me very well; but they do not know all of me.
I don’t even know all of me.
For example, I have hidden parts of my soul that I don’t know at all. They surface from time to time and I am surprised at how powerful they are:
- suicidal thoughts
These parts of my soul emerge at moments when I least expect them. They can last a little bit of time or stay for days, weeks, months. Some of them are always running in the background.
What drives me to distraction and intensifies the feelings is; I am so happy, grateful, and am in awe of the life that I have in this moment. I feel guilty; we can add that to the list, that I have any of these feelings because I know people who would trade their life for mine in a second. Yet, they don’t really know the hidden parts of my soul; and I don’t know theirs.
In this moment I have been given the gift of time;
- time to reflect,
- time to spend quality moments with my kids (four legged,)
- time to strengthen my walk with Christ,
- time to come to terms with why I have felt separated from God’s love
- time to nourish my relationship with my wife
- time to create plans for how I want my life to emerge after the pandemic
- time to embrace and learn from the hidden parts of my soul
Today, my rage emerged and like always it came on quickly and lasted too long. The feeling of total inadequacy was so overpowering that I didn’t know what to do. The coping skills I have taught so many and the words of compassion I have encouraged to use and my encouragement that they will be gentle with themselves and the reminders that they are worthy
… didn’t work on me.
I gave myself all the hurtful and punishing words I could muster through my tears. For years I have believed that I had to pretend that my truth had to be hidden because if anyone saw it; I would never be trusted to help them.
……. and then it happened. I prayed. My sweet Mona Belle came to sit in my lap on the floor with me…… and I prayed, and I cried, and I cried, and I prayed.
I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed that this rage would finally teach me something and that I would finally be able to hear the lesson that it has always been trying to teach me. I prayed that God would show me how to learn from it and then take it and remove it from my heart.
Anger is not the problem. It is what I use it for and the rage it turns into when I am disrespected, fearful, and feeling incompetent.
Anger turns into rage because I feel so small and vulnerable.
I have been here before; far too many times. Today I learned that my rage is not for power; it has been for distraction. It distracts me from seeing me. I have always said I want to know myself and see the worst parts of me so I can “fix” them. Today, I learned that I have lied to myself and I have kept the hidden parts of my soul hidden because I never wanted to see them.
Hidden Soul journeys are not easy. It is the hardest work I will ever do. It will take guts for me to look at the parts that scare me and sometimes scare others. I will have to own how I allow those parts to take over all the love, compassion, and grace that are also in me.
It is never too late as long as I am still breathing and above ground; my inner work can get done! This time, I see the work that needs to be done and I will go into the darkness and turn on the light.